I step outside dazed, confused for a moment, close my eyes against the suns ever warming rays.
“Have a break and come back in an hour”, that’s what he had said.
Finding a seat under the heavy cherry blossom I let the bench take my weight. A weight which suddenly seemed too much to bear alone.
I loosen the scarf at my neck feeling a sudden wave of heat creeping up into my scalp. My skin prickly, almost numb.
“We made a mistake. The whole profession has made a mistake. We got it wrong we’ve always had it wrong.
It has always been a virus. You could always have been treated.
You may be able to be helped going forward.”
So there it is……
Millions of people must be feeling just as I am now and experiencing this incomprehensible piece of news.
“We made a mistake.”
A piece of cherry blossom slowly spirals landing on my coat lap. Beautiful, pink, delicate. A sign of hope. The end of winter the start of spring.
The coming summer. What does that now mean?
Do I now have hope?
What does hope now mean? Can my future of settling be replaced by a future of planning?
Can the last 15 years ever be replaced? 33 to 48. That will be difficult
My mind will not stop racing. Phone home. Start new drugs. Go travelling. Get a job.
15 years of needless treatment, of needless toxins.
15 years of money spinning copycat pharmaceutical interventions promising the world but delivering nothing.
15 years stolen. Career ended, relationships ended, no future, no family to be proud of.
A sudden wave of nausea as the reality of what I’ve been told suddenly hits.
There has to be hope.
If strength has carried you this far it can carry you further.
You are here for a reason.
Taking off my scarf and coat I head back inside.
A new chapter…